Lost Soul

Here is an email of a person who has been bugging me for a while. This will be my last reply.

This is Nelly (not his real name) from Sxxxxxxa writing to you here. I attempted to contact you yesterday via your website, asking if we could talk for a while if you happen to have the time to do so(it doesn’t need to be a call or so, just via email is already fine). If you do not want to help me anymore, I understand, just please let me know and I will not bother you some more. However, there are some things that I ought to clear up.

First, I’d like to mention how I got into this situation I am in now. Originally when I was in the 10th grade of High School(during 2017-2018) I was the top student who knew everything because I basically mastered all the subjects. During my 10th grade I was actually able to relax and enjoy life for the first time in quite a long time(more on this later) However, in the next grade, I didn’t really want to focus on my High School studies and I tried to accomplish something greater, an effort which ultimately failed because I trusted in some things that turned out not to be true. By the next grade after that, I was at the rock bottom of my grade in terms of achievement and I was basically cheating just to not get a very bad result, though I wasn’t happy with this and I made some sort of plan to achieve something to substitute for my wrongly achieved grades. I probably got an idea probably as far back as 2015 that involves me self-studying a number of subjects, such as engineering, mathematics, and even languages, and then writing books about those subjects I self-learned in order to present myself as a successful autodidact. The idea is that after I became a successful autodidact, I could, through exceptional means, get into the university and course of study I wanted based on provable merit instead of some fake grades.

I tried to do my plan during the middle of 2020 because it was a time where I had a lot of free time and I did have to bother with things like school work, but I failed mainly because I spent more my time doing things that I actually enjoyed instead of forcing myself to make the effort. Complicating matters even further, I trusted my father on a plan of his that I am currently stuck with, he literally did not tell me a certain detail about what the plan was about and now I am stuck in a local university. Even when I cheated again, my father did not seem to mind(even though I did try to make an attempt last semester to do everything the right way) and my plan has not been going into action. He even still complained to me that I scored bad grades last semester and compared myself to himself that he himself got into a field of study that he didn’t like but he succeeded in.

From the very beginning I did not have any intention of studying Informatics at the local university and I would actually want to study something I would find more useful to me in the long run such as Chemical Engineering, Electrical Engineering, etc. and I did want to go abroad using an unconventional plan. The plan was not really going into action for a number of reasons. For example, in early 2021, I intended to use a source on the internet to study from but I couldn’t do so because I found out that using that source might potentially harm some other people though instead of immediately going for the most efficient route, I continued to try justify that using it could be morally okay, though I shouldn’t have because it effectively wasted my time. It’s kind of because of this self-justification that I wanted to know my future sometime during the second half of 2021.

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